Biscuits & Gravy



In between my last post and now, I've attended a fashion show, had a Rock & Roll Pep Rally, added at least 100 songs to my iTunes library, gushed over the last Gossip Girl episode, uncovered an adorable new late night spot, applied to 4 colleges, and received more blog publicity than ever before. So, you'd think I'd have something to say on this blog of mine. Consequently, all of these matters of business have caused me to stray from my cyber-space time. I hope to address many if not all of the matters soon, but for now I'll share a recent English assignment. Don't worry; it's not my critical analysis of Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment. It's vastly more entertaining. It did, however, pertain to another celebrated piece of literature: Beowulf. We were given a passage from the story in which Beowulf confronts the king of Hrothgar to defeat the evil monster Grendel. With it, we were asked to parallel his general form of boasting and persuading, except with something more relevant to our own lives. Unless killing off villains is your thing, I guess.

I chose to take a more satiric, comic route, although I did take a moment to consider Mrs. Kohlmaier's comment that "if you're not funny, don't start trying now for this assignment." We presented in class on what is famously marked in a senior's calendar as Boasting Day. There were future chemists and NBA stars; there were guido-wannabes and warriors in battle against the infamous senioritis. And then there was the eager student just wanting a spot on the Varsity football team. That student was me, your very own B.

Hey there, Coach Koch. The name's Molly McConn.

You know my brother, Andy,

for it was the 2005 football team he was on.

I am the little sis to a trio of athlete brothers.

I've spent years on the sidelines cheering on your teams,

and I just now realized it's

on that field that I really want to be.

So, yes, I've come to ask your permission

To be on the roster for the Memorial’s v-squad football team.

Don't be fooled by my bountiful bleach blonde hair;

I'm rough and tough beneath these golden locks.

Besides, even as a hormonal-girlie-girl-teen

I've still got a good two inches on you—not to be mean!

I’d gladly don those fresh smelling uniforms

‘cause shoulder pads are totally coming back in.

But, it would look even better in this muted pink shade.

Red jerseys to pink—such an upgrade.

I'd love to meet guys from other schools

And from what I hear, this will give me “direct contact.”

I'm open to playing practically any position

just as long as I'm not one of the split ends (the word just makes me cringe!)

Isn't it taboo to hit a girl?

So with me on the field the opponent's defense is destroyed.

I want to take part in the fun Friday football festivities

My musical gifts are lacking; so, the band just won't do.

And, well, let's be honest--do I look like a cheerleader to you?

So your football team is the clear choice.

My friends say it may be intense,

But I've seen those drawing boards of the plays

and I'll see is hugs and kisses, Xs and Os!

My résumé so far is quite impressive.

I've attended a fair share of high school games,

won a college football draft,

and even been on the winning team for a family Thanksgiving backyard match.

So I'll buy some magical-muscle-building-beverages

Muscle Milk, I think it’s called?

I'll even put on the L-Bs.

Just put me on the team pretty please please please.

As you know the big Katy game is near,

But never fear, your girl Moll is here!


That's all for tonight; gotta wake up early for an early morning wake-up call for birthday girl Lexi Fink (pictured above)! Happy 18th, love you!


Carolyn said...

Really good! Ole Coach Kochey!

Lana B said...

Baha your boast makes me smile